I Am A Stunt Woman!


There is a thing or two that dating teaches everyone. Of course I am NOT talking about those lessons where you come to know that you are in a relationship after 4 months of being in it(No, it did NOT happen to me!).

There are 3 that I learned:

1. Never sneak your date in or sneak into your date’s house while you’re still living with your parents.

2. When in violation rule of #1 always, always have a back up plan.

3. Last moment panic plans DO NOT count and are always life threatening.

How did I learn these golden rules? Well, this goes back to my 11th grade.

My boyfriend at the time and I decided to have brunch at his place. He volunteered to cook and I was impressed, hehe.

“So do you like the food?”

“Oh my my, It’s just how my mom cooks!”

(-.-)

How I do that? Twist, warp, mutate and yank out awkwardness and jostle it into what could have been a perfectly beautiful conversation?

Just one of my many talents.

There is this thing about telepathic conversations. I don’t know what, but you just always know the unspoken words.

‘I wanna hold your hand.’

‘Yea I wanna eat the tandoori leg too.’

And just as he holds my hand while I reach it out to pick up the scrumptious chicken leg, the doorbell rings.

“Woah, did you hear that, us holding each other’s hands sets bells ringing!”

“That was my door bell.”

“You expecting someone?”

“On a date for two? No.”

It’s during moments like these where I bless the corpses of those who invented these less significant but amazingly purposive tools.

The teeny tiny eye hole!

“Oh my God! It’s my Mom!”.

Under normal conditions, nervous sweating is something like this:

giphy

Under MY normal conditions, nervous sweating is something like this:

crazysweat

And it is in moments like these my creative pipes burst open. “I think I can jump over from your balcony to mona’s balcony. It’s pretty close.”

“You know my mom can see you with me. I’ll only be grounded. You don’t have to kill yourself.”

“Oh come on.”

Mona, one of my closest friends and my boyfriends next door neighbor had her balcony set pretty close to his. If two people had arms 2 feet long each they could share a handshake standing on either side of the balcony.

Mona came out to her balcony complaining about who is screaming bloody murder. Me Me Me.

“Adi’smomisatthedoorandIgottajumpovertoyourbalcony.”

“You know she can see you with him. He’ll only be grounded. You don’t have to kill yourself.”

They both think I am awful at balancing. In a minute I was gonna prove ’em wrong.

OR DIE.

As he went on to handle the situation waiting at the door, I placed my right foot on the balcony’s railing and the left on the slab placed as a barricade to the sewer pipe. And yes! In 10 ten seconds I was standing on a slab 20 inches broad and hugging a sewer pipe like I would hug Leonardo Dicaprio.

“Are you jumping over to this side or not?”

The idea of death always bring a flashback of the life that we have lived thus far. But in moments like this I only had verbal recollections of all the cuss words I had ever known.

With my left foot on the slab and right on Mona’s balcony, I fumbled for a bit which made Mona piss her pants! Not sure if that moment was scary or too darn funny.

And voila!  In 3 minutes(or so) I performed the stunt of the century!

“Oh my God! I am awesome!”

“It was just 4 feet apart.”

“And still I am the only one who jumped the balcony and am not even a wee bit scared.”

*Is it sweat or piss in my pants?*

We moved to the door to find out whether everything is fine.

Hell! I don’t care, I jumped a balcony!

“Hello aunty, we helped Adi make tandoori.”

“I guessed as much. Thank you girls, so sweet.”

But seeing my boyfriend stand at his door, panting like a dog left on concrete desert of a summer Mumbai, I had to ask.

“Why did you change into a different pair of pants?”

“Don’t ask.”

Advertisements

Are you voiceless ’cause you are quiet?


It has been a long time since I lasted posted something on my blog. Like many seasonal bloggers, I too felt like starting a new blog instead of making a comeback post here. After reminiscing all the posts I have written on this blog, and feeling coeval with the stuff I have written in the past, I did not have the courage to abandon this part of my online presence and start a new one. So here I am, back from the blogging dead!

A lot of bloggers take a hiatus for other commitments in life that take higher priority. I could say I was in the same situation but then I would be lying. No doubt I had a lot going on in these 6 years (six? Whoa!), but, I have always had a flaky relationship with social media and the internet. It’s not like I am a technology hater, I am a software programmer for god sakes! but I never had a deep commitment towards social media. Be it Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. I recently deleted Instagram from my phone because I had been wasting too much time browsing through pictures of people I have probably not met in years now. I have seldom let technology take over my real life and hence do not understand it when people blame technology for the miseries of their physical life. But that’s a rant for another day.

Mostly, I kept my distance from social media due my personal disinterest in being an open book. I have been many things in my life; weird, goofy, humorous, outgoing and even a partier, but never an open book. I have never been eager or even comfortable talking about my personal fears and relationships and especially relationships with even my friends. Of course, whenever I sought help or advice I have discussed the concerned issue or doubt with a close friend, but never have I taken pleasure in describing general ongoings of my personal life to anyone; unless there was a funny or weird story which could have been a humorous bit in a conversation.

This blog has been my chance to speak my mind without attaching a face to it. It’s not because I am scared that my matter will be ill received or because I fear being judged, but my personal opinion is that, without a face, without a race, without a color and without any gender, my content is judged for what it is. Biases if any, are fewer than they would be had the reader known who I am and what I look like. I am aware that my writing is, in fact, an extension of my personality and that trying to luxate the two would be like detaching a fingerprint from a person. But an opinion of a faceless person’s words vs one with a face would possibly be received differently even if the words were same. Time and again, however, I use my personal Facebook profile to express opinions that I find crucial to stand for. At times, I have witnessed some extreme views of my fellow friends on Facebook. Some of these views made me think better of why are they still on my list. I even ended up ‘un-friending’ some, especially those who would quote the bible to support their homophobic retorts. In a quiet move, I chose to defy their thoughts. I made this move on social media because I personally don’t believe that extreme or crucial views of life can be altered via social media. Yes, it can play a part, a stepping stone to something that is much bigger and is happening in the real world or a platform to educate the masses about something that is happening in the real world, but definitely not a platform for something real to invigorate. In my own life, at some point or the other, real life took over my online commitments, and I have rather been quite comfortable with this on again off again relationship with social media.

A lot of people of my generation (the 90s y’all!) and this one have a lot to say. We have a lot of thoughts that we want to share with the world. I do love that technology makes this easy to do this and, for people to find other like-minded people and connect. But more often than not, what really ends up happening is a lot of people just ranting on their own profiles, statuses, commenting their own views on other people’s statuses and trying to make their own point and then there are those who love to read all the said drama (me me me). On the other hand, there are those who use social media for all the right reasons; promoting their volunteer work to attract more volunteers and publicize the NGO for donations, promoting a cause that may help the environment/ society. The latter makes technology a boon and the former, a bane. This reminds me of all those boon vs bane essays I have written back in school, which usually used to lead to a closing line of, it’s up to mankind how to use it, as a boon or a bane. I think this is the aptest line that should go down as a quote.

Actions can definitely be louder than words. In today’s times what’s important to know is, who’s listening. Because if everybody is talking, you might as well take a leave, because when everybody is talking and everybody wants their own ideas to be heard and accepted, whether you talk or not won’t make a difference. Unless you scream. So hit those caps lock on the next time you want to make some noise on social media.

(To be totally honest, I don’t know if I will be very regular on my blog. But, I have always loved writing and I hate that life got in the way of doing that. Among all my online destinations, this blog has been important from which I accidentally on purpose ended up cutting ties for quite some time. Writing is therapeutic for me and writing entertaining bits make my day. While doing this if I have touched, entertained or led any readers to introspection, I hope that I can keep that up with what I write in the future.)

When The Going Gets Tough, I Bite.


I am not really the kind of person who bullies anyone. I don’t attack people just because they make me mad.

Or eat their noose boogie. Or fart and find it funny.

I attack when they eye my chicken legs.

I’m quite the peaceful tolerant person. And that totally doesn’t work in kindergarten. Or nursery. Or school. Or college. Or camp night.

My tryst with the painful experience of being bludgeoned happened during nursery.

Read more